I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
