and you said cock pushups were impossible
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
