just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
