I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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