someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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