My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
