Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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