I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
