No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
