guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
