aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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