That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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