One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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