My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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