she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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