i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
one might say we're banned from that church
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
