Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
