you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
