I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
