Your dad touched me again.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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