Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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