and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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