What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
