Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
