Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This girl is more easily done than said...
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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