My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
