What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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