i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
