my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
