Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
