Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
40s are totally the cure
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
