Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize