you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
