I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i drank out of a bidet.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
