Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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