i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
In America we eat man semen.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
