So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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