Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
