I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
