My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
