So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
