It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
