Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
