Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
