If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
