Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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