I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
