I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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