if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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