He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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