Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
