Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
