You smell like stripper and shame
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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