Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I want to fling myself into the sun
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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