4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
