Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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