I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Last time i carry you out of a forest
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
