i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
