I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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