My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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